I Dream Of Berries
International Edition

Dear HTC,

Your Android WildFire S phone sucks. I own one, and I regret ever leaving the comforts of my stone-age Nokia 6070 behind.

Here’s three reasons why you should all burn in Hell for unleashing this pestilence upon the world:

1) 150 megabytes of internal space? Really? Are you fucking kidding me?

Don’t get me wrong; I remember when my Dad bought our first hard drive with 20 megabytes of free space, back in the day when we owned a 386 PC, and thinking, “Boy, we’ll never fill that up.”

Well, that was the early 90’s, and this is now! You can get 8 gigabytes for a handjob in the back lot of a convenience store these days. 150 megabytes will barely get you a reach-around if you’re already fist-deep in an orangutan!

So, basically, you’ve engineered a phone that barely has room for its own operating system, for purposes I can only speculate, but which seem like the most likely candidate to violate the Hanlon’s Razor adage. (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanlon’s_Razor)

2) The charger socket is the demon spawn of Satan. I’ve already whined incessantly about the charger cable, which for some unholy fucking reason is a Micro-USB instead of the much more prevalent and easy-to-come-by Mini-USB (the only difference between the two being a fraction of a millimetre), but here’s something else I discovered when I made the mistake of trying to have fun:

The fucking charger socket is wider than ordinary Micro-USB! That means, even if you’re lucky enough to own a spare Micro-USB cable, you’re still up shit’s creek, because that fucking thing will only charge if placed really carefully. I cannot tell you how many agonizing, frustrating hours I have spent worrying that the little relaxing orange light at the top of the phone that tells you everything is going smoothly in the battery charging world has suddenly and inexplicably been extinguished. I lie awake, sleepless!

So everyone is forced to go out and buy officially sanctioned HTC Micro-USB cables, because apparently that’s how things work when you can’t make money off the operating system itself.

3) The headphone jack can go fuck itself. This is basically the same point as #2, but I’m so fucking pissed off, I felt it was worth mentioning the same problem twice.

The headphone jack on top of the WildFire S is a notoriously fickle bastard. Let me explain: There’s a really nifty feature in the HTC OS that shuts off the music if the headphone jack suddenly falls out. I call this the “don’t piss off the rest of the commuters” feature.

Problem is, the jack itself is as sensitive as a 13-year old virgin in Hanz Fritzl’s basement. If you’re not using the officially sanctioned HTC-P.O.S.-phones, like, say, for instance, my spiffy Sennheiser DJ-phones with the gold jack and the fun and the bass and the gloyvin-glayvin, the music cuts out every so often because the fucking lead fell out of the fucking socket again.

How did they fuck this up? Don’t they know earphones are notoriously detrimental to your hearing? How is it that the WildFire S is nothing more than a Fisher-Price toy with a fancy touchscreen and a lifetime of woe included in the warranty?

4) Why can’t I uninstall your fucking useless applications? Yeah, I added a fourth, just because I can. I will never have a use for “Voice Search,” and if I feel like recommending apps I will use a fucking text messager, not the “HTC Likes” piece of shit. And why can’t I uninstall “Peep,” which has got to be the worst fucking Twitter client in existence?! What are all these useless fucking things doing on my phone in the first place, and why can’t I nuke them back into oblivion, where they belong?

I watch commercials of smartphone owners in pretty, over-exposed pastel colors, watching YouTube videos on the subway and smiling at each other as they compare Angry Birds scores. Who are these fucking people and what secluded island do they live on?!

Technological advancements haven’t made our lives easier, but they’ve certainly shortened my projected life span by a sizeable chunk. Fuck you, HTC WildFire S, you dripping fucking opportunist cunt-bucket.

Sincerely,
Me